Her
by Vestal Virgin
Summary: On a special day for Chakotay, he reflects back over his life and his first night with Kathryn.


I didn't intend for my life to go as it has. Then again, do we ever find ourselves at that point in the future upon which we had first set our eyes when starting out? Some may come close to it; some may circle around it, orbiting a resemblance of it. Many of us set out and veer so sharply that we can barely recall what it was toward which we first aimed.

What is that point, that guiding beacon, for me in this hour of my life? The answer is as simple as a single word, and as complex as the universe itself. _Her_. So easy to say - a three-letter monosyllabic breath pushed into the air - but the emotion exhaled is pulled from the very depths of my soul.

She would tell me I'm being melodramatic if she heard my thoughts just now. Perhaps I am, but sometimes I need to be. Not outwardly. I'm much too reserved for that. No, outwardly I simply grow quiet, introspective. She knows me well, though. Knows that when I reach across the sofa cushion and curl my fingers around hers, my heart is speaking.

Have you ever made love in complete silence? I hadn't, until her. Only once has it happened in our many years together, and that was the one time that sealed my future and hers together. Our first night we came together as lovers.

I had never imagined it that way. I never guessed that we would be so caught up with each other as to be rendered speechless. I had imagined times of furious joining, with a tearing of cloth, cries of yearning and the slap of overheated flesh. I had imagined times of slow seduction, whispering truths and love in between panting breaths, gasps and moans. Never silence.

On that evening, dinner in my quarters went on as usual, the conversation a mixture of ship's business, crew stories, and a mention or two of things we missed from home. We cleared the dishes, I replicated tea, and then she carried the cups to the low table in front of the sofa while I pushed the dinner table against the wall. We both skirted the chair, she coming my direction and I going hers, and then we both stepped to the side. We stepped back again, and grinned since we only blocked each other once more. I clasped her shoulders, intending to hold her in place while I went around her. Her hands gripped my wrists, and that was when it happened.

I pulled her to me and kissed her.

To this day, I can't say why I did it. I only know that my lips touched hers, and her hands slid up my arms, grasping my biceps, as her lips opened. For a brief few seconds, I lost myself in her taste, and in her softness. Locked together with her, I thought how right it all felt.

And then, I remembered how wrong it all was. I abruptly ended the kiss and stared deep into those blue eyes that looked as shocked as I felt. Backing away from her, I muttered, "I'm sorry," and stumbled into my bedroom, stopping inside the darkened room with my chest heaving and my mind whirling. Cringing, I waited for her admonishment, her demand for an explanation of my actions, or the sound of the door to the corridor sliding open and shut.

I heard nothing except my pounding heartbeat pulsing in my ears. Bracing my hands on the dresser, I lowered my head between my arms and desperately tried to think of what to do. I couldn't leave her out there while I hid in the dark like a coward. I had to face her, to reassure her that I had not planned for the night to go that way, and that everything was normal between us.

I had almost steeled my courage when a touch on my shoulder startled me. I raised my head and there she stood by my side, dimly outlined by the light from the other room. When I straightened, she took my face between her soft hands and pressed her lips to mine.

In the next pulse of my heartbeat, everything changed between us.

I slid my arms around her, holding her in a loose embrace, and returned her kiss. When her tongue darted against my bottom lip, I opened and allowed her inside, meeting her with the tip of my tongue. One of her hands slid to my shoulder, and the other to the back of my neck. I pulled her closer, her body yielding and soft yet infused with wiry strength as she pressed into me.

When she leaned her head back, I felt her fingers rest on my lips in a gentle gesture that told me no explanations were needed. So I didn't speak. I slipped one hand up her side until my palm rested against the side of her breast, where her tee shirt stretched tightly over the full mound. When her hand dropped from my shoulder to my waist and worked underneath my shirt, I knew she wanted me to touch her.

With her feather-light exploration making my skin tingle, I skimmed my thumb over her breast and cupped its softness in my hand. The layers of her clothing frustrated me, and I longed to feel her as she was doing to me. I pulled her tee and tank from the waistband of her pants, then up and over her head. Before I had even dropped the shirts from my grip, I returned one hand to her breast, now covered only by her bra, and circled her nipple.

Turnabout being only fair, my shirt soon laid on top of hers on the floor, and her nails lightly scratched down from my shoulders over my nipples to my waist. I was quickly becoming aroused, and had no time to hide my state when she gripped my sides and kissed me again. My erection pressed between us while I plunged my tongue into her mouth, seeking, tasting.

I sprang the hooks of her bra, but left the garment on her. I wanted her to set the pace, to reveal herself to me only when she was comfortable. I needn't have worried. Without pulling her lips away, she lowered the bra straps down her arms and let the thin cotton fall between us. I caressed her bare back as she leaned into me, the coolness of her skin contrasting with the heat inside me.

I had to see her, so I cupped her face and broke off the kiss, holding her gaze as I moved back one step. Then, lowering my eyes, I took in the sight of that intimate part of her, beautifully pale in the low lighting, with dusky rose tips. She stood unmoving, unashamed under my scrutiny, a woman of experience and comfortable with herself.

I loved her all the more for it.

I traced the swells of her breasts, measured their weight in my palms, and watched their peaks rise with her inhalations. Massaging, teasing, I tested the pressure and touches that brought her pleasure there.

Her delicate hand rose to the center of my chest, something she had done many times in the past, as if infusing my heart with her emotions. That touch had always stirred me, and this time it inflamed me. I let my eyes close for moment, and then opened them again when her hand slipped lower to pause over my stomach. She looked up at me, silently questioning me, seeking permission. I laid one hand over hers and guided her downward, past the waistband of my trousers and over the material until her palm laid over my hard shaft. Ever so slowly, I encouraged her fingers to explore the length and shape, stroking and learning me.

I was pleased when, of her own accord, she reached to the fastener and opened my slacks, pushing them over my hips to pool at my feet. I returned both hands to her body, allowing her access to me however she desired.

And make no mistake, we both desired.

I knew it was so when I skimmed my hand down her side to her hip and then across to her center. She spread her feet wider, and I slipped my fingers along the seam of her pants between her thighs. When I rubbed her in small circles, I watched her head tip back and her lips part as her hips thrust forward.

My cock twitched at the sight of her, and before I could regain my breath, my briefs had been pulled down, fully revealing me to her. As I had done to her before, she studied my nudity, her eyes traveling over my body, searching my gaze, and sliding back down to my shaft. I stood riveted in place, my arousal increasing with each passing moment.

Just as she wrapped her hand around me again, I scratched at her slacks over her clitoris. Her reaction was immediate and strong, her stomach clenching and the nails of her free hand digging into my arm. I pulled my hand away slightly when she reached for the button and loosened her pants until they slid down to her knees. She grabbed my hand with hers and pushed it inside her panties, where I followed the curls down to her slit. With one finger, I parted her folds and spread her gathered moisture.

When I had coated her pearl, I began a rhythm of circling and teasing her there, sometimes pushing lower to barely enter her before slipping back upward. I steadied her with my other arm as her legs twitched and her hips rolled, hampering her attempts to lower the silky panties. When she was finally bared to me, my heart fluttered against my ribs.

Spirits, she was breathtaking!

I pushed two fingers inside of her and pulled her to me, taking her lips in a crushing kiss and trapping her hand around my erection between us. Undeterred, she squeezed and released me again and again until I could feel precum sticky on my swollen tip, on her belly and mine. I searched out the little mound of tissue inside her opening and pleasured her with a light massage, gradually pressing harder as she swelled with increasing arousal, pushing toward the brink.

I knew I had her when she turned away from my lips and bit down on the top of my shoulder, sending chills down my body. She gripped my back with one hand and my erection with the other, holding herself up in a rigor of ecstasy. Still working her g-spot, I sought her clitoris with the pad of my thumb.

It took only three strokes over the tiny bundle of nerves before she lost control, before the walls of her sex tightened around my hand, and her hips plunged forward, pushing my fingers deep inside of her. I held her through the convulsions, marveling at the workings of her female body as she experienced orgasm under my touch.

I was given a precious gift in that moment, and felt my own body responding, taxing my control. Perhaps she felt me swelling in her hand, or maybe she only sought the same privilege, but as her spasms slowed, she widened the space between us and began to pump my hard length.

I watched her hand with her as it worked me from base to tip, and saw the precum glistening in the dim light. When her thumb spread the drops over my slit, I removed my hand from between her thighs and added her wetness to mine. It never occurred to me to stop her, or to hide the effects of her touch from her. She knew what she was doing, and what the end result would be, as well as I did. And so, I gave her control over me, over my body.

My legs began to tremble and my buttocks clenched, rocking my shaft into her sliding grip. The head of my cock purpled a deeper shade, and when she glanced up to my face, hers was a look of pure lust, hungry to watch what she could do to me. I let the feeling of the moment take over and closed my eyes, the susurration of my deep breathing the only sound around us. I gripped her hips, trying to hold myself steady without overbalancing her, and twice in my thrusts I felt my erection brush against her curls that tickled and teased.

She must have sensed my orgasm rising, as she changed her rhythm and pressure, somehow knowing exactly what I needed to push me over the edge. I opened my eyes and saw her watching her hand on me, and I laid my temple against hers, watching with her. My hands seized on her hips, my legs locked, and another stroke of her fingers slid my foreskin up and then back. The pulse of come from my shaft made her stomach quiver as it splashed on her, and I thought I would lose all sense when she aimed the pumping semen at her sex.

Gently, she milked the last of my seed from me, letting it trickle over her hand before she massaged it onto my hot skin. Then, I watched her hands slide over her own body, spreading my essence between her legs and up her lower belly. The eroticism of the moment consumed us both, and I strongly suspected we were far from finished. I kissed the corner of her lips, but my legs shook, and she still panted for breath, our bodies struggling to recover from their release.

I held her hands and guided her to sit on the bed, where I removed the rest of her clothing before discarding my own. Sliding up to the pillows, I pulled her head to my chest and her leg over mine, as I soothed her with caresses.

We had yet to utter a single word since my hasty apology in the living area earlier.

As my breathing slowed and my limbs no longer felt leaden, I began to think through all the things I wanted to say to her - to tell her I loved her, that she would never be alone, that I wanted to share my life with her. Before I could formulate a speech to adequately express myself, she leaned up and pressed her lips to my neck, spreading tiny kisses over my jaw, then to my earlobe, and then working her way down to my chest. The words I might have said were stolen away as I concentrated on what she was doing to me.

For untold minutes, perhaps hours, I lay on the bed while her mouth, tongue, and hands learned every inch of my body, each line traced and curve mapped. I alternated between tingling, burning, shivering and aching with desire, unwilling to rush her, unable to deny her. No part of me was kept from her, and no part of me escaped her attention. I found out just how skilled a lover she was, and I had not even entered her yet. By the time she returned her head to my chest and her leg over mine, my body had been through more sensations of pleasure than I ever thought possible.

Now, it was my turn.

I slid my fingers into her hair and cradled her head as I kissed her forehead, down her nose, then over one cheek bone to her ear where I blew soft, warm breaths. When I felt her neck tilt with the tickle, I rolled her onto her back and crouched over her, straddling her thighs. While my lips trailed downward to suckle one breast, I outlined random patterns on the inside of her wrist with the lightest of touches. As she had done to me, I used lips, tongue, teeth, and fingertips, committing each line and curve, every freckle and bend, to memory.

At the end of my journey over her body, I rose up, and she reached for me, that same look of raging passion on her face that must have shown on mine. She didn't know that I wasn't finished with her yet. I gripped one of her hips and rolled her over, exposing the exquisite curve of her back and her round buttocks. The moment she settled on her stomach, her hips pushed into the bed, and I saw the moisture shining at the apex of her thighs, smelled her desire, and knew she was close to orgasm. As I've said, I couldn't deny her, and thought that to watch her bring herself release would be another gift she offered me.

I spread her legs wider, teased open her sex, and gently blew across it. Her head turned into the sheet and her back arched, raising her toward me. I blew once more and watched the chills race over her skin, and her buttocks tighten. I slid upward, pushing her hips down with mine, and reached into the drawer of the bedside table to retrieve the massage oil I kept there.

Drizzling the oil onto her buttocks, I directed a few drops of it to her wet heat, and then set the bottle aside. With both hands, I massaged her lower back, her hips, and her round butt, pushing downward to put pressure on her clitoris against the mattress. She writhed and bowed, rising up on her elbows, her hair tossed over her head to expose her neck coated with a fine sheen of sweat.

Straddling her thighs once more, I laid my shaft in the cleft of her buttocks and slid it through the oil, slicking my length and letting her feel the smooth, hot skin and engorged tip. She lifted her hips off the bed, threw her head back, and fisted in the sheet in her hands.

Gods, what a sight she was!

I forced her hips down again, my cock gliding back and forth over her cleft, and she used her elbows to rock herself back toward me. I was too close to my own climax and knew I could never outlast her. I sat up on my knees and she tried to follow, but I kept her in place and massaged her rounded curves. Then, I reached up for one of her hands and pushed it underneath her.

She needed no further encouragement. I scooted back so that I had a good view between her legs and watched her pleasure herself. As her fingertips rubbed her clitoris and slid through the oils, both hers and the massage liquid, I sat entranced, breathing deeply to calm the raging in my body. I could see the toned muscles of her back rippling, and the tendons in her neck stretching and relaxing with her movements. The urge to take her was almost irresistible, but I held back, watching, waiting, accepting the gift of seeing her this way.

I saw the moment she lost her control; that second when she hung suspended at the edge, and then drove herself over. Her buttocks tightened and her back bowed, and her fingertips fluttered against her pearl until she curled around herself. I was allowed to watch her orgasm for the second time, and my body reacted with an explosion of need.

I turned her over and stared deep into her blue eyes, taking myself in hand as she pulled her legs from between mine and wrapped them over my hips. Guiding myself to her entrance, I paused and stroked my length to make sure it was well oiled. I worried if I would hurt her, but she pushed her heels against me in encouragement.

With one thrust, I was home.

Enveloped in her tight sheath, I closed my eyes and my mouth opened in a silent cry of ecstasy. Slowly, I pulled out half way before plunging into her again. I dropped my head to her neck and took up a quickening rhythm, feeling her rising to meet me, her nails gripping my back and her hair tickling my forehead. With long, sure strokes, I relinquished control and let my body's desires take over.

For minutes, we clung to each other as my hard length filled her. Faster, harder, I drove into her wet heat, and my sac tightened with the building pressure low in my belly. I made love to her with every fiber of my being, overwhelmed with the emotion of joining with the woman I loved more than life itself. Just when it seemed that those feelings would consume me, my body reacted with a wave of sensation that seemed to roll from my scalp to my toes. I plunged deep into her sex and held her to me as my climax swelled my length and spurted into her.

Pushing into her again and again until I was sated, I lay atop her and felt her hands gliding over my back and sides and up to my neck, soothing me as I had done for her. I somehow found the strength to roll off of her, gathered her to me and kissed her, then fell asleep as I watched her eyes close.

It would be the next morning before we spoke a single word.

I woke to the sound of my alarm, and ordered the computer to reset it. When I realized I was in bed alone, I panicked that she had left, that she had failed to understand the depth of my need to be with her in every way. I pulled on the pants from the night before, and then grabbed up my shirt as I rushed into the living area.

She was there, sitting at the table, dressed in uniform with a cup of coffee in one hand and a padd in the other. When she looked up, my heart ached at her expression. It wasn't shy exactly, but uncertain, like she didn't know if she should be there or not and was waiting to find out if she had made the right decision. I pulled on my tee and straightened the tail as I smiled and then held out my hands. We met halfway across my quarters, holding tightly to each other in an embrace until neither one of us could breathe. I stepped back and cupped her face in my hands, finally speaking the words I had wanted to say.

"I love you, Kathryn."

***V*V***

My fingers cling more tightly to hers across the sofa cushion, and she looks up from her book. A knowing smile lights her face, and I can only smile back at the sight of her. Today is my 75th birthday, and she knows me well enough to know that I am introspective this evening, reflecting back over the three quarters of a century I have lived. We spent the day with friends, including some of our original crew from _Voyager's_ first journey.

I served as first officer until we returned to the Alpha Quadrant, and then I captained _Voyager_ for another ten years. Kathryn and I married before I left on the first trip to lead our ship back to the Delta Quadrant. It was always our ship, even though she had been promoted to admiral and didn't serve aboard again. After ten years and three journeys to the other side of the galaxy, I took a position at Starfleet Academy where I still teach today.

I have chased many points in my future upon which I set my sights, and managed to reach very few of them. It seems life had its own designs for me, and my plans rarely factored into them. I cannot rail against them, though, nor lament my unexpected detours. For it was those detours that brought me to the light now guiding me - _her._

With her hand in mine, I pull her to me and press my lips to hers, my tongue teasing until she opens, inviting me in. After all these years with her, I have never grown tired of her taste, the softness of her body, or the way she shares her pleasure and encourages me to share mine. Our first night together is stamped indelibly in my memory, and my body stirs as it always has when she pulls her hand from mine and places it on the center of my chest.

I break the kiss and raise two fingers to her lips, tilting my head toward the stairway to our bedroom. She lifts one eyebrow, and I smile in return then lead her upward to our bed. Perhaps there are times when no words are needed, but only a point for which to aim and the courage to see the journey through to its end.

Wherever that end may be.


End file.
